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If I Told You

by Anthony Oscar

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1.
Baby, don’t trust me Don’t trust me like you do Lately, I’ve been feeling way down low & I ain’t got nowhere to go I been down this way before— Never felt this goddamn poor Oh my baby, oh my Lord, I’m not well. Lately, I’ve been thinkin’ awful dark Can’t see no light, ain’t got no spark Oh, I wish the sun would shine In the darkness of my mind Oh my baby, oh my God, I’m not well. Feelin’ like I’ve got something to prove & I know I ain’t got nothing left to lose Oh my mind it feels like Hell They should lock me in a cell Oh my baby, oh my Lord, I’m not well.
2.
Your hair on my clothes, I don’t care how this goes I don’t know, I don’t pretend to know Wake up this morning, feel you by my side Butterflies dancing, feels good to be alive I find your friendly figure out for walks in my head Your mind shivers like sugar, oh I want to be your bed I can’t complete a simple thought so sweet My mind rewinds the time to the first moment when we meet It feels like I’ve known you for a hundred years Your voice like raindrops singing in my ears.
3.
Potential 02:47
lot of potential it's so soft to stand on find me a place with some land to hold you and flesh out some thoughts have been growing. it's nice to be knowing that there's never much plan. It's nice in the heat to feel needed to feel like it's cooler if we sweat together and maybe once cooler we'll need to be closer let's build a floor we can sleep on and breathe and wake up and smell you and feel you and shake you and find space to make up and rustle the leaves. i'm dreamy and dizzy and counting down minutes to hold your whole head in my hand and watch as the clock loses its faces and i fall like loose leaves all over the sand
4.
Can I 03:35
Can I call you Or is it a little too late? Maybe I should wait— Only a few more days til I see you Can I tell you I’ve been feeling fine Every single time You come to my mind I want to hold you When we’re far apart You still have my heart I can’t wait to start being near you Can I help you Find your way inside Where I like to hide Maybe bring a light so I can see you Baby in a little more time Baby, be yours, be mine
5.
If I told you I was hurting Would you come and lick my wounds? If I told you I was homesick Would you take me home with you? If I told you I was hungry Would you come and fill me up? If I told you I was lonely Would you come and pick me up? If I told you I was freezing Would you come and warm me up? If I told you I was having trouble breathing Would you help me to loosen up? If I got myself into trouble Would you help me to get out? If I had trouble believing… Would you help me through my doubt? Once we’re older, do hearts grow colder? Or do they open and soften up? I was told once by my brother, “You must learn to harden up.” You’ve long since left me for your heavens I wish you’d come down from above ‘cause now I’ll tell you my heart is broken. I wish you’d fix it with your love.
6.
Inside Me 05:10
And although I know I haven’t made it very clear I was so happy when I had you here And I know that I have a real bad way of showing it, but I have demons inside fighting to keep out what I want you to know. I have demons deep inside And they’re playing tricks on my mind And they tell me I’m a liar and I’m no good. I’ve got feelings to hide from dealing with my Insides. I know I don’t know The Trouble is the talking The Trouble is the truth The Trouble is quietly trying to tear me in two. So, I want to go someplace new I want to be quiet I want to not want to quit.
7.
Have you seen my whiskey bottle, baby? Have you seen my whiskey bottle dear? I left home for a little while Now, I’m back, but I won't smile Cause I have lost my whiskey bottle dear? Have you hid my whiskey bottle, baby? Tell me, have you hid my whiskey on me again? I know I need to put the bottle down, But it sure helps me to settle down Whoever said a little whiskey was a sin? I didn’t mean to lose myself again. I didn’t mean to let you down, my friend Why’d you have to go and leave me, dear? I wish I had that whiskey near I didn’t mean to let you down again.
8.
In The Wings 04:22
Oh, the night’s are growing colder There’s already snow up on the trees And I know that what I’ve told you Can be so hard now to believe ‘cause you’ve seen me in my dressing gown while all my lights and guards are down I tried to explain I only disappear So that I can be found When all the curtains come crashing And all the people turn to grab their coats I will be in the wings waiting Like honey, here to help you soothe your throat From all the smoke you had to breathe When the forest fire burned your favourite tree Those rings rose up all around you like a halo You’ve always been a mystery to me Now that we have all faded Will you hold me up against the sky Or will you walk with me naked Down to the Oceanside to die? Where all the people you have ever known & every stone that you have thrown falls and dissolves into a pile of sand will you call me your man?
9.
Resistant 03:27
Will you break me? Separate my pieces? Eat me up like Jesus? Believe me, I can worship. I’ve got blood red Organ in my basement Think I might replace it With something a bit more basic We can work out all our differences Learn what makes us resistant To the good times, try not to waste them On a good night fight over a broken golden bracelet I’ve been staying Up late learning How to complain in Some new ways All the chitter-chatter, pitter-patter on my window Wishin’ I could let go of the chips upon my shoulders I’ve been working out all my demons Trying to leave my feelings where I won’t feel them at all But that won’t help me Stay up on my feet When the hurricane starts to blow in And lays out all our differences and floods out what makes us resistant to the good times so we won’t waste them on good night fights or broken golden bracelets
10.
Bad Notion 04:57
I’ve got a bad notion— It’s starting to kill Drag me to the ocean, I’ll show you a cheap thrill I’ve got friends in dark spaces And voodoo dolls in my home Seeing all those faces makes me feel less alone I’ve got a few hundred dollars I’ve been saving for you I figured out what to call her, I figure I’ll never lose There’s too many movies, All the theatres are broke. Got mouthfuls of rubies Hoping that I don’t choke Now everything’s broken, Got no teeth left to talk I’m sure it sounds like I’m joking “Just go out for a walk” but the weather is wild and I’m feeling so bad. Won’t you give me a smile, won’t you call me a cab? I’m sick from all the commotion, All the lies and the tears. I’ve had this bad notion, I’ve been trying to tell you my fears. But you say it’s too late now You have put in your best You are tired of trying Now, we all need some rest. Wake up if you hear me, I tried hard not to call I’ve been missing you near me I can’t break my own fall Take out all my poison I can’t hear a sound I want to let the noise in I wish you would turn around There’s a heaven above you I know that you know It’s so easy to love you I don’t want you to go No one’s saying you lost it You still hold the high score I keep thinking of Boston Guess I’ve drifted too far from shore.
11.
Dearly 03:54
I’ve been staying up til the wee hours of the morning Fretting over all that’s in my mind I’ve been calling you, but I can’t find words to speak Been happy just to hear you’re doing fine It’s been a long time coming and I have myself to blame I haven’t found much hope in this here town There’s so many wandering workers and nobody knows my name I think it’s time that I start to move around Ooh I hope that you can hear me even if I will never know Ooh I hold you so dearly, I think it’s time I learn to let you go It’s high times I’ve been after, it’s a low life I have found And these boots I wear have almost lost their tread I miss your sunny laughter, always was my favourite sound I swear that it could raise me up once I am dead I walk alone at midnight with my hands tucked in my coat I pick up pennies off the railroad track I try to count my blessings, doesn’t take me long at all The street is all I have that loves me back
12.
I get so sad in the dark on the days we don’t talk. I’ve got a headache that could clear the gators out of City Park. It’s a hundred degrees, but I’m in bed freezing— You hardly gave me warning When you left with your reasons. Could you stand me for a minute? I promise I’m back with it, There was so much a-buzzin’, but I couldn’t admit it. There was a snake in my throat And a bat in my brain Now, the jury is out and they say I was insane. And I know that you haven’t a harbour for me. I’m a mythical monster in a dried out sea Could you tell me a secret you’ve never wanted to share I will tell you all my weaknesses and you can cut all of my hair. You are the pink room where they hang me to dry I’ve been bled from the bottom, but I’m still alive. I have learned so much in the time that I have known you I still yearn for your touch and hope to one day come home to you. I could build a cathedral, I could carve you from marble I know I shouldn’t leave you, I know I shouldn’t argue But I am just a man, I lose focus all the time It gets hard to handle what goes on inside my mind. Now, I’m slipping like sand through a hand-blown hourglass And I’m trying to understand why our love burned up so fast I’m slipping like sand through a hand-blown hourglass I don’t understand why no love seems to last.

about

There’s a lot of reasons to come to New Orleans and there’s a lot more to leave…a lot of folk might leave you stranded when you start forgetting how to breathe, a lot again will pick you up try to figure out what it is you need, maybe a shot, maybe a bite to eat, maybe you just need to sit on a pile of rocks and drive down to where the river meets the sea. I started writing these songs a couple of summer’s ago when I started realizing I probably wasn’t going to be going anywhere anytime soon and so I might as well just keep writing songs and figure out how to survive here with the mosquitoes and the termites flying into your face, getting caught in the back of your throat and way up in your nose. I’ve been thinking the trick to living and staying alive down here is to get out as much as possible so that you don’t get stuck in the mud. I’ve also been thinking there’s no getting out and that this city must have been in my blood the day I was born and I just slowly watched as all the tears I’ve cried over the years made their way to the Mississippi to join up with all the spit from trumpet valves and the god-knows-what lurking in the puddles on Bourbon and Frenchmen. I’m thankful for my bagel buddies who’ve taught me and watched me stagger around and drift away and mumble jumble and show up late. Thanks also to the love that keeps showing up uninvited on my doorstep. Watch your step when you come in, there’s a pile of shoes I’ve outgrown and outworn.

credits

released December 18, 2018

written and produced by anthony oscar
recorded december 16, 17 2018 at farr from home studio, new orleans

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Anthony Oscar New Orleans, Louisiana

folk songs
joke songs
news songs
blues songs

new orleans, la

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